I needed it

Yeah, I’m back at writing. I guess that’s my little scape. Things’ve been stressful and I guess my writing is what gets me a little more centered. I’ve got plans … who doesn’t?! I dream high … and, again, who doesn’t?! I don’t think I am the same. I’ve changed. How?! Still figuring it out. But strangely I feel the same.  I’ve been doing something I’ve always wanted to: I’m writing my own thoughts on movies and musics and everything I like – or dislike – here. No, I’m not a very good writer – not even closest to the greatest – or worst – but I write. I write on a really weird pleasure of getting everything out; I write because it’s easier for the tears to come; I write just because … People go hicking or go walking or go biking or go driving or just go – I just cannot do those things. Health issues – yet – and I’m here (physically on a determined place). I miss just going out for a walk just to think – or just to NOT think. I miss just walking around with nowhere to go. I miss the parks, the squirrels, the places with no noises but happy people. I miss enjoying my books – have I told you I love reading?! In Canada I would just go to a park, sit under a tree and dig into a book. I miss that! I miss enjoying a great book with an even greater soundtrack!! People say doing both if not possible, but I love reading books and listening to songs. I cannot do one thing at a time. Maybe that’s my problem. And a huge one. Too many things at a time, not too many done. I remember that while writing my final thesis for my undergrad I would be doing tons of things – but that turned out pretty good actually … I got 9,5 and my paper in the University Library!! And I would be doing it with a soundtrack, and it really didn’t matter who was playing. But again – that’s not really important. I also miss my sisters. Some days more than others but I still do. I guess I am afraid of being left alone. Which is different from being alone. When you’re alone, you’ve got no one, on your choice. You choose to be with no one for a determined period of space just to try and figure yourself out (it’s what I think). When you’re left alone, you are the consequence of other people’s choice of being alone – or just their choice of deleting people from their facebook page. jk – but the sentence is right. You are the consequence of someone else’s choice on being alone. When you are left alone you find yourself in a not so very pleasant place. For example: when you cannot follow your friends life rythm anymore. When you make a choice of doing something for yourself for once and when you come back, you feel behind, you feel everyone’s on highspeed and you cannot reach they speed. They’re on a 2.0 car and you’re on a 1.0 Impossible on a race. I feel I was left alone by some. Others just decided to meet me at some points of life, even though still being on a very fast car. Others pass me by every now and then and we have a blast. But it’s still a little difficult to see those, who were here, being so far away. Jealousy?! No. Reality kicking actually. But it’s okay, I guess. Life is to be lived and on our best. I am not on my best yet, but maybe I’m getting there. I just need to focus on now. And that seems like a pretty fair goal. Focus on now. Work: now. Family: now. Friends: now – which is the same as new ones. Duties: NOW.

Do you know the meaning of overwhelming?! Yeah! Sometimes that’s how it feels. It’s hard to explain but easy to feel. It’s … overwhelming. What?! Everything and yet nothing. Yeah, makes no sense. But this is life. We’ve all been here. Maybe you haven’t, but one day you’ll see that everything and yet nothing is overwhelming and you feel you cannot cope with anything. And yet you find yourself getting ‘life support’ on the smallest things.

“Bound to stumble and fall but my strength comes not from men at all” (Matisyahu – Miracle)

Why I wrote all this?! I really needed that. Psychiatrists say that writing your feelings and thoughts help on therapies and treatments. Well … it helped. Thank you doc. Hope you have a great week 🙂

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