Classifieds

Sarah had a terrible day. It had been the hottest day of the week, no, make it the year and she was simply exhausted! Work had been frustrating and, if that wasn’t enough, her mother had called her telling her that she had to be home for the weekend! It was 6:30p.m. and the sun outside shone like a thousand lamps turned on to her apartment making the day even hotter! She looked into the fridge and there was nothing in it but for two packs of beer and a bottle of champagne from the weekend before! Sarah opened a bottle of beer and realized that she hadn’t heard from her boyfriend, who was traveling Europe with some friends, for quite a while! When she pressed the button on her answering machine there were 32 new messages: 28 from her mother, 2 from her sister, 2 from her boyfriend! Well, ex-boyfriend by now! By the time she finished listening to her messages, she had already had 6 bottles of beer.

It was barely 9p.m. and Sarah, after taking a long cold shower, decided to go through her stuff in the computer! By 11p.m. she had already finished the other 6 bottles of beer and decided to open the champagne to encourage herself on going with a little project that had come up to her mind! Sarah decided that today was going to be the day that she would put an ad about herself on the local newspaper. Of course no one reads the advertisement section, but what the hell! I need to relax! were her first thoughts. She started:

Hi! I am a brunette tanned girl. 5’7” long dark hair, blue sky eyes and fat lips! I got an sculptural body! Love running, beaches, swimming and dogs. Also love dancing, going out and going wild! I am independent, which means I got my own apartment away from mom and dad, got my own car and pay for my own bills. I drive a BMW and have an apartment on Queen St. I graduated on McGill University on Law and have a firm with other lawyers who were my classmates in McGill. I have a Golden Retrivier …

Shit I forgot to walk him! PANCHO! COME HERE BOY! LET’S GO FOR A WALK DEAR!

his name is Pancho and he is 3 years old but looks like a calf! Allergic to cats! Love teddy bears and jewellery! Favorite color is green …and I am scorpio! I adore watching movies and listening to music and reading! LOVE talking and LOVE brownies! I already ate 13 pieces of brownie on a school contest! Got 2 sisters and3 brothers! All of them are in Vancouver with my parents! Love waking up with the light of the sun early in the morning! Restless in bed and very creative! Love adventures and meeting new people! Favorite hobby would be reading and walking Pancho and talking! Drinks are usually on me and I beat my friends in any drinking contest! I was raised in a winery and my mother fed me with wine since I was little! I am usually the Designated Drunk Driver for parties J! AMAZING COOK! Have my own social-working program and I also teach at George Brown College and York University. Sleep only a couple of hours at night and I already went 2 days straight without sleeping … Damn … I miss University! I am interested in an independent man! Someone who is already graduated in College or University and can talk about basically everything and loves exercising! Someone who loves dogs and loves sugar, loves his work and his family.( Family preferred to be far away!) Looking for someone who has stupid friends but also smart ones. Jerks, bastards and cheaters, please do not respond!

Okay … … that seems nice! But it’s too big! I sure can edit it:

Hi! I am a brunette tanned girl. 5’7” long dark hair, blue sky eyes and fat lips! I got an sculptural body! Love running, beaches, swimming and dogs. Also love dancing, going out and going wild! I am independent, which means I got my own apartment away from mom and dad, got my own car and pay for my own bills. I drive a BMW ______ and have an apartment on Queen St. I graduated on McGill University on Law and have a firm with other lawyers who were my classmates in McGill. I have a Golden Retrivier and his name is Pancho and he is 3 years old but looks like a calf! Allergic to cats! Love teddy bears and jewellery! Favorite color is green …and I am scorpio! I adore watching movies and listening to music and reading! LOVE talking and LOVE brownies! I already ate 13 pieces of brownie on a school contest! Got 2 sisters and3 brothers! All of them are in Vancouver with my parents! Love waking up with the light of the sun early in the morning! Restless in bed and very creative! Love adventures and meeting new people! Favorite hobby would be reading and walking Pancho and talking! Drinks are usually on me and I beat my friends in any drinking contest! I was raised in a winery and my mother fed me with wine since I was little! I am usually the Designated Drunk Driver for parties J! Have my own social-working program and I also teach at George Brown College and York University. Sleep only a couple of hours at night and I already went 2 days straight without sleeping … I am interested in an independent man! Someone who is already graduated in College or University and can talk about basically everything and loves exercising! Someone who loves dogs and loves sugar, loves his work and his family.( Family preferred to be far away!) Looking for someone who has stupid friends but also smart ones. Someone who loves dancing and going out as much as staying at home watching movies! MUST love the 70s and 80s and MUST enjoy classics and musicals! Jerks, bastards, cheaters and gays, please do NOT respond!

Okay … much better! But I can make it better!

Hi! I am a brunette tanned girl. 5’7” long dark hair, blue sky eyes and fat lips! I got an sculptural body! Love running, beaches, swimming and dogs. Also love dancing, going out and going wild! I am independent, which means I got my own apartment away from mom and dad, got my own car and pay for my own bills. I drive a BMW ______ and have an apartment on Queen St. I graduated on McGill University on Law and have a firm with other lawyers who were my classmates in McGill. I have a Golden Retrivier and his name is Pancho and he is 3 years old but looks like a calf! Allergic to cats! Love teddy bears and jewellery! Favorite color is green …and I am scorpio! I adore watching movies and listening to music and reading! LOVE talking and LOVE brownies! I already ate 13 pieces of brownie on a school contest! Got 2 sisters and3 brothers! All of them are in Vancouver with my parents! Love waking up with the light of the sun early in the morning! Restless in bed and very creative! Love adventures and meeting new people! Favorite hobby would be reading … and walking Pancho … and talking! Drinks are usually on me and I beat my friends in any drinking contest! I was raised in a winery and my mother fed me with wine since I was little! I am usually the Designated Drunk Driver for parties J! AMAZING COOK Have my own social-working program and I also teach at George Brown College and York University. Sleep only a couple of hours at night and I already went 2 days straight without sleeping … I am interested in an independent man! Someone who is already graduated in College or University and can talk about basically everything and loves exercising! Someone who loves dogs and loves sugar, loves his work and his family.( Family preferred to be far away!) Looking for someone who has stupid friends but also smart ones. Someone who loves dancing and going out as much as staying at home watching movies! MUST love the 70s and 80s and MUST enjoy classics and musicals! Jerks, bastards, cheaters and gays, please do NOT respond!

By 3a.m. Sarah had already finished the bottle of champagne! The apartment had cooled off and she felt much better! She edited the ad one last time, laughing, and decided to go to bed and delete the ad the next morning! Sarah woke up that Saturday with the midday sun! Took a long cold shower, had lunch and went to see her emails! For her surprise she had sent the last edition to the newspaper that morning and already had lots of answers!

NEWSPAPER X – February 6th, 2010

CLASSIFIEDS

DATING

Looking for men

Tanned brunette, 5’7”, long dark hair, blue sky eyes fat lips! Restless and creative in bed, can eat 13 pieces of brownies! Love jewellery and scorpio! Family far away, got my own condo and car! Beat anyone in any drinking games and am usually the drunk designated driver! Jerks, bastards, cheaters and gays, please RESPOND!

Oh, well! What the hell! And with that she started responding all the answers from her ad!

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Uma resposta a Classifieds

  1. Claudia da Rosa diz:

    That was brilliant!

    hahaha

    One of your best so far!

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